


No Holding Back

by Xanateria



Category: Leverage
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-12
Updated: 2012-06-12
Packaged: 2017-11-07 15:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xanateria/pseuds/Xanateria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eliot has dated a lot of models. He never said all of them were women. It’s easier to let people run with their assumptions. But, sometimes life is what happens while you make other plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Holding Back

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place between The Grave Danger Job and The Boiler Room Job. Written for QueerFest 2012, with profound thanks to Datista, for the lightening fast beta read.

Just because you’re good at something, doesn’t mean you always like it. Most people enjoy doing what they excel at, so they think I like to fight all the time. But I’m not like most people. Still, it’s easier to let people follow their own assumptions. I like that fights can challenge me. I like that, if they’re smart, it can teach people valuable lessons. I like that it can keep people safe. Well, most of the time, but that’s another story. 

Yeah, I will admit, I have been known to enjoy educating someone with my fists. But that’s usually when they won’t give me any other option.

I let people run with their assumptions. It’s not only easier, it works in my favor. When you do what I do for work, you learn to use every advantage you have, and being underestimated works for me. 

After the whole funeral home fiasco, we were all pretty rattled. Hardison slept at Nate’s for a while, and I know he had nightmares. Parker found reasons to touch him, all but climbed in his lap, half the time. It would have been funny, except for the fear in her eyes.

Hell, I’m not really the hugging type, but when we got him out of the coffin, I hugged him first and held tight so I could tell him never to do that again. 

I was fine for a few days, but then I dreamt we got there too late. The next night, it was worse. Too late, by just a few minutes, and this time, it was Nate in the coffin. My subconscious is an asshole. 

I did my best to ignore it, but I lost some sleep over it. The others just assumed I had a new friend keeping me up at nights. I let it go, because it meant I didn’t have to look to closely at what really had me awake, as I stared at the ceiling.

***

Three days later, and I thought the call to Nate’s was so we could go over the next job. Instead, I walked into Hardison and Nate toe to toe as they bickered. Strange, because most of the time, I was the one our resident geek picked at.

I stood back and watched them for a few minutes. It occurred me to separate them, but that seemed like an awful lot of effort, since I was enjoying the show. Eventually, I got the gist. Nate wanted the nearly impossible. Nothing new about that. This time, to make it happen, Hardison needed time to travel, some supplier of some parts he needed who couldn’t travel, or something. 

Down time isn’t really a phrase in Nate’s vocabulary. No surprise he wanted the supplies here right now. But, what came next was not what I expected. After he threw up his hands and muttered a bit, Nate agreed that we needed the supplies before things could move forward. I wasn’t about to argue about two days off.

Once I let Hardison vent some frustration, I backtracked home. Only a few minutes in my kitchen and I knew my usual plans wouldn’t work. It took ten minutes to throw some things in a bag. A few more, and I hung up the phone, secure with my new plan.

Private airports can be just as much of a pain in the ass as the public ones. Fortunately, the membership fees for the one I chose to use guaranteed smooth, hassle free trips, even at the last minute. I parked the Challenger in the short term lot, since I would only be gone overnight, and went into the main terminal to file the flight plan. It took a few extra minutes while I performed my own check of the plane.

When I reached cruising altitude, I let myself relax some. Very few threats would be able to reach me here. The band of pressure around my chest loosened, which I appreciated. With a bit of effort, I kept my thoughts on how good it felt to do something not work related. 

Just over an hour later, I landed without complications. The onsite car rental staff were about as useful as you would expect, but I still pulled out of their lot in a decent full sized sedan a few minutes later. 

The house was the same, tidily painted a deep butter yellow with white trim. Flowers I know she planted herself almost filled the yard. I tried to tell her that I’d pay for people to do it for her, but she only smiled and looked at me with what I called her “stupid boy” look.

I wiped my feet carefully, but left my boots on, knocked once, and waited.

“Come in, Eliot. Always a pleasure to see you. You’ll stay for supper, I hope?” Don’t ask me how she knew it was me. That’s just Nan. Closest thing to family I’ve ever really had, and I still can’t figure her out.

“Yes ma’am,” I replied, as I moved into the warm, sunny kitchen and kissed her cheek as expected.  


She didn’t ask what I was doing there, not then. I took care of a few chores around the house: a couple of leaky faucets, oil for the back gate and some loose boards in one pain in the ass section of fence. Once I washed up, I went back to the kitchen so we could cook dinner. 

She’d already set out the fixings for lasagna, a favorite of mine. I chopped the vegetables while she prepped the sauce, and got rapped on the knuckles when I tried to sample. I could have avoided it, but part of the reason I came here was because I didn’t need to be so on guard. Not that I could really turn it off, but I could at least choose to ignore it. 

“Set the table, my boy, and I’ll serve up this fine supper we managed,” Nan instructed. 

Plates in hand, I moved to the table. When we had tasted the first bite, and exchanged compliments, I dug in, hungrier than I thought. Nothing tastes better than home cooking, and this house was as close to home as I’ve had for a lot of years. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s been keeping you up nights and tying your insides up in knots so you don’t eat proper meals, or do I have to guess?”

There was no point in denial. I looked up, and could see only concern in her eyes. After a pause to collect my thoughts, I told her about the last few weeks, what had happened with Hardison. Harder to admit were the worries about how close I felt to all of them, how scared I’d been that we wouldn’t get to Hardison in time. She knew about the team, even if I’d never brought them here. It would invite too many questions I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, answer. 

Silence stretched between us for long moments, while she finished her meal and I fought not to fidget. “You have this ridiculous idea that you don’t deserve to have people care about you, Eliot. I know what you do is dangerous, and I understand you’ve had to do regrettable things, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be punished in solitary confinement for the rest of your days. You always did have a flare for the dramatic, you and Court, but you take it too far. It’s okay to have friends, even close ones.”

 _It makes them targets_. I wanted to say it, but I didn’t. She’d already heard that argument. Besides, she wasn’t finished yet.

"I'm sorry that happened to your friend. It's horrible. But you said yourself, he's alright now. So why don't you have a slice of pie and tell me what's really bothering you?" Nan stood and went to the pantry for the pie while I watched and reminded myself she wouldn’t tell me how she always knew these things. She never did.

I still don’t know why she adopted me in everything but name when I was still a scrawny kid. She raised her grandson from the time he was two. I met Court at school the fall I was ten. He took me home to meet his Nan one afternoon a few days later. We were black and blue from a run in with the neighborhood bullies. I had a split lip and what I could recognize even then was a cracked rib and he was no better off. 

I thought it was weird he didn’t worry about getting in trouble, only assured me she could fix us up and started walking. Damned if he wasn’t right. Right there in the kitchen she taped my ribs, cleaned the worst of the cuts and put a stitch in a deeper cut in Court’s finger.

Joined at the hip, she used to tell anyone who would listen. And I guess we were. Court actually had a wider streak of wildness than I did, if you can believe it. The schemes that landed us in the most trouble were his idea. I went along with them, but I never claimed I did the smart thing.

Court knew how bad things got for me at home, but he never told a soul, not even Nan. It wasn’t his way. Once he said he’d keep a secret, he did. She knew, but she didn’t comment on it, not directly. Then again, she also never said much when I all but moved in, or needed patching up for injuries that didn’t exactly match whatever trouble we’d been into. 

Everything changed after he died. 

It was my fault, all of it. I didn’t keep him safe, didn’t stop the high as a kite thugs who decided they wanted his wallet enough to kill him for it. I tried, God knows I did, but when I woke up in the hospital, he was already gone. I even missed the funeral; doctors thought it was safer to keep me in a coma while I recovered from the beating, gunshot wounds and several subsequent surgeries. 

He was more a brother to me than the one related to me by blood and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.  


Anyone with sense told Nan to cut me loose. Hell, I tried to tell her myself. That conversation was one of the few times she raised her voice to me in all the years I’ve known her. 

“Don’t tell me what to do Eliot, or I swear I’ll wait til you’re well and tan your hide myself.” Only the catch in her voice showed how upset she must have been, only days after burying her only grandchild, but she wasn’t done yet. “What happened was a tragedy. Don’t make it a bigger one by making me lose you, too. I couldn’t love you more if you were my own. There’s nothing you could do now, or might do later, that’s ever going to change that. You feel what you need to feel, but come to terms with that fact, or I’ll have reason to actually be angry with you.”

I could still tell Nan just about anything and trust her to hear it and give me her honest opinion. I don’t think she has any other kind. If more people had the guts to tell it like it is, this world would be in better shape, she liked to say. Like as not, she’s right, but that much honesty comes at a price. 

I keep coming back though, so I must be willing to pay it. Back at the table with a peach pie that smelled good enough to tell me she must have baked it this morning, she cut us both large pieces and served them on her fine china plates.

“Out with it, what’s the problem?” Straight and to the point, as always, but her tone was gentle.

I tried to be matter of fact. “Maybe it’s not so bad to have friends, even if they make me crazy. But, the problem is, these days, there’s a part of me insists I ought to try bein’ more than friends with one of ‘em.” There, it was out, even if I hadn’t been too specific. Now that I’d said it, the feelings were too real to be comfortable and the pressure in my chest was back. If I allowed myself the luxury of panic, my breath would have come short.

“What’s so terrible about that? This Nate of yours sounds like he understands a thing or two about having a side to yourself that isn’t entirely light and comfortable.” Calm as though we discussed the weather, Nan took a bite of her pie.

It was an effort not to drop my head to the table and bang it. Of course she knew. That was part of why I came here: she spared me from spelling everything out. 

“He’s not mine,” I retorted. “It’s not that simple.” Not much of an answer, but true, none the less.

“It never is,” Nan agreed, then flicked a glance at my dessert until I took a bite and let the fruit and spices explode on my tongue. 

“But if there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you aren’t afraid of doing difficult things. Made quite a career out of that, really.”

Another pause, another bite, then she spoke again. “If you find someone to care about, you grab on, doesn’t matter what else might be a problem, and you know it.”

I’d heard her say it before, of course, but some small part of me relaxed when Nan repeated that. I’d always figured she knew that not all of my romantic entanglements were with women, but knowing and accepting are two different things. 

“Yes ma’am,” I agreed, and turned my attention back to my pie. 

Since Aimee, I’d kept most of my liaisons brief. I enjoyed beauty, wherever I happened to find it. One date with a model went well, so I repeated that pattern. 

Most of them understood the demands of a challenging work schedule. They were often away for business themselves. That made it easier to keep things light. Nan knew that much, and had some choice things to say about taking the easy way out. I didn’t make an issue with her, or anyone else, for that matter, that not all the models I dated were of the female variety. Like I said, it’s just easier to let people run with their assumptions.

I don’t like to waste energy. I don’t feel bad or ashamed about it. Privacy, especially taken to the lengths I do, gets to be a habit. And you just never know how people will react when they find out you bat for both teams. I felt like I belonged somewhere again, and damned if I wanted to give that up, no matter what my body – or mind – had to say about a certain genius mastermind.

It might have been a little uncomfortable, but I spent the night at Nan’s. We both enjoyed the chance to catch up, even while she pressed, in her way, for more details about Nate. I didn’t give her any, at least not outright. Just before I left, she informed me in no uncertain terms that I should tell Nate how I felt. I told her I’d think about it, and then made my escape.

Back at home, I gave some thought to a date the following night. Might as well really enjoy the time off, and all that. Get my mind off of dangerous other things.

By the time dinner rolled around, it was just too much trouble. Sprawled on the couch with the TV for background noise, I could feel my fatigue weigh down my brain. I’d have stayed there until I dragged myself to bed, but then Randall called. He was in town for a couple of nights, and wanted to see me.

I don't have people over very often. It's not safe. Nate and the rest of the team are an exception. But, so is Randall. We met back when he first started modeling, and I’d been hired to deal with some enterprising drug dealers who thought agency models made good marks. The gang in the area that controlled the drug trade objected to free agents working up a client base, no matter who they picked from. So, they hired me to eliminate the competition; not exactly selfless motives. But, in those days, I was fine with that, so long as I got paid. 

Who sold me out was never clear. I wasn’t exactly honest about who I was, or what I wanted but I didn’t just bust in. I had to be sure who my targets should be before my usual application of violence. Funny thing about anybody who makes their living through less than legal means: they don’t advertise who they are, and they don’t all dress like you see on TV. I wasn’t fond of drawing attention to myself, so I tried to be discreet with my inquiries. 

That meant I made the rounds of all the usual places. The second club I saw Randall in I confronted him about following me. He just grinned at me, not even a hint of apology. Fed me some line about how I was too pretty for my own good and he wanted to get to know me.

Bad luck for me; the dealers found out I wasn’t who I claimed to be faster than I expected. Randall was the first person they ran into when they were trying to find me. By this point, we’d been seen together at a few parties. I wasn’t discreet enough, then. They broke his arm, messed up his face bad enough he couldn’t work for a month, might have done worse if some do-gooder hadn’t called the cops, but he still wouldn’t tell them where I was.

When I was finished, every dealer, every buyer, with the gang or not, knew it was a very bad idea to lay so much as one hand on anyone associated with me. I used some of my savings to pay Randall’s medical bills, but made myself scarce. Only visited at nights, when the place was quiet and still. I explained myself to a sweet night nurse and she agreed to keep my visits to herself.  


I guess that explains why Randall turned up at my apartment the day after he was out of the hospital. Bitched me out for not being in to visit him. We ended up friends against my better judgment. It wasn’t much later that he followed me into the bedroom and explained why he would be happier if we were more than friends.

If you’ve ever fought a brick wall, you have some idea what happened when I tried to say no. Eventually, I gave in. Turned out to be a good thing. I learned a lot from him, and most of it wasn’t even in bed. I came close to serious with him, but life had other ideas. It usually does, from where I sit. 

A bigger, more recognized agency bid for his contract. I was first to tell him he’d be crazy to turn it down. That was five years ago. We stayed friends while we worked our way up in the world. These days, he manages models at his agency and doesn’t work the front line much. He sounds happy when we email or talk, so it’s all the same to me.

We don’t always spend nights together when we see each other. Depends on a lot of things. Every now and again, he’s exclusive with his current. And more often that you might think, I’m too busy for even a quickie, never mind a whole night. When I realized it would work this time, I couldn’t help it. The smile was big enough, it all but wrapped around my head.

***

We dispensed with small talk and any other pleasantries. In the small corner of my mind that was still thinking, I was surprised we made it to the bed before we lost all our clothes. Heat and urgency wrapped us closer and closer. His hands pressed into me hard enough I knew I would bruise later, but the flares of pain made it better and he knew it. I gave as good as I got, if Randall’s breathless moans were anything to go by.

“What do you want?” 

Such a simple question. The near whisper was rough but there was no judgment, only curiosity. I took a second to consider, then reached into my bedside drawer to toss him the foil wrapped packet. “At the moment, I want you to stop asking questions and get to business.”

Lucky for me, he did.

Much later, when the dark slid toward pre-dawn grey, we lay in my bed. I listened to him breathe. He wasn’t asleep, I could tell that much. 

"Are you going to tell me who he is?" Randall asked the question in the quiet voice people use when they’re alone at night. I couldn’t hear any anger, only curiosity. 

I considered a lie, but he wasn't finished.

"I'm not angry. I know you were with me just now. But I know what it's like to fight with yourself, to try so hard not to want somebody. I recognize the signs.”

There was nothing I could say that wouldn’t be an insult to both of us, so I told him the truth, or at least some of it. When I finished, the pressure was back in my chest, and it took effort to breathe normally. With as much practice in self control as I get, I still couldn’t shake the fear.  


Randall said nothing for a long moment. When he leaned closer and kissed me, I thought maybe he wanted to distract me, but it was more about comfort than heat, and he drew back to cup the back of my neck with one hand.

“We both know you need someone who can stand up to you and keep you from going too far, and I don’t just mean in bed.” 

A pause, while I fought not to interrupt.

“You need that and you need someone who understands why you need to give up that precious control of yours sometimes. Understands and makes you feel safe enough that you can actually let go. I thought it could be me, wanted it to be, but that’s not what we are for each other. If Nate can give that to you, whether you want to or not, and if there is even a chance he can be what you need, then you are seven different kinds of fool if you walk away from that. This team of yours, they know you well enough to care about you. I can tell from how you talk about them. Give them some credit. While you’re at it, give the man some too. If he means that much to you, I doubt he’s the kind of person to decide he hates you just because he doesn’t feel the same way. There’s always the chance he actually does.”  


I had no answer for that, but I knew he was right. That’s what made it so terrifying.

***

The next morning, I wanted to make breakfast for us both, but he had an early meeting, and I got a text from Hardison that reminded me my responsibilities wouldn’t wait much longer, either. I needed to get to the morning briefing, preferably before it was over.

Still, I was tempted to tumble us both back to bed, confronted with a freshly showered Randall in his favored Armani suit, hair just long enough to brush his collar. I settled for less, trapped him against the island in my kitchen and kissed him. This time, I made sure my whole attention focused solely on him. I owed him that much at least. And whatever else might go on, the man has a very talented mouth.

That could be why I didn’t hear Sophie and Hardison coming until they were already opening the door to come in. Too late to hide what I was up to, not that Randall would have let me. I could have forced the issue, but some part of me didn’t want to.

Sophie, at least, had enough tact to make small talk briefly while I ushered him out, though Hardison managed a lot more calm than I expected. Once I closed the door, they came out of the kitchen and I braced myself. Not sure for what, but old habits die hard.

I could practically see the gears turning for both of them, but Sophie only explained that the two of them wanted better coffee than what was at Nate’s and found some of my favourite pastries while they shopped, so they figured they’d pop by and we could all go in to the office together. I nodded, and put the assorted baked goods away in the kitchen. When I came back to grab my coat, Hardison came over to lay his hand on my arm.

“It’s alright, you know. I mean, you surprised us.” He paused and glanced at Sophie, who smiled slightly. “But, don’t worry about it, man. Though, the two of you seemed awfully familiar.” Hardison trailed off, and I thought for sure he would ask the unspoken question, but he didn’t.

I answered anyway. “We’re not an item, if that’s what you’re thinking. He’s just an old friend.” It felt odd, to give up facts about myself, strange but right.

“We should all have old friends who look that good in a suit,” Sophie claimed, and I could see amusement dance in her eyes. 

It made me laugh. 

We were okay.

***

When you work in a small group, word gets around fast, especially if one of the people in the know is sharing blankets with the boss. We went over the details of our next target- a sleaze by the name of Sherman. Thought he was god’s gift to grafters just because it ran in his family. There was the usual bickering over how we would get the bastard, until Nate put his foot down and insisted on a totally new con. I caught them all looking at me more often, and I could see questions in their eyes, especially Sophie’s, but they all left well enough alone.

When the first call came in to my cell phone, I ignored it. At the fourth, I excused myself and moved to the other side of the living room to answer it. Anyone with specialized skills can tell you, word of mouth is an interesting thing. You never quite know who has heard of you and what they might think you are worth. Still, it was a bit of a surprise when the voice on the other end offered me a job. I said no, and I was even mostly polite about it. 

Apparently, the brass at Holdham Security, Inc. don’t like to take no for an answer. The calls continued for the next day or so, despite the fact I kept saying no. Everyone figured I’d had a falling out with Randall, which was kind of funny. That was the only humor in the situation. It distracted me too much, so I called the company and asked to speak to Charles Holdham directly. By the end of the conversation, he understood that I wasn’t interested, no matter how much money the offer involved. I clicked the phone shut and figured that was that.

I hadn’t counted on the fact that the rest of the team having filed in for the meeting that afternoon, overhearing enough to put two and two together. Seems to me, there’s not a lot to say about an offer you don’t accept. The others disagreed.

“You turned down a job offer for four million dollars?” Hardison tried hard to come across as calm, but the edge to his voice made it clear I’d surprised him.

Silence reigned, while I tried to figure out how to do some damage control. In the end, the truth was easier. “I don’t want to work for some corporation, alright? It’s not me. Besides, I’ve only just managed to get used to all of you. I don’t want to do that all over again, especially not with a bunch of suits.” 

My gaze went around the table, but came to rest on Nate. “Guess I just can’t mess up a good thing.” Privately, I knew it would take a hell of a lot more than four million to make me give up the one group I’ve ever felt like I belonged. 

“I’m glad to hear it.” That was all Nate said but the look he gave me in return was so intense, that for a second I worried I actually had said it. Then the conversation shifted back to work and the odd moment passed.  


Hardison shook his head a few times. Parker looked confused, though knowing her it could have been over something unrelated. Sophie wore a half smile and looked at me like she couldn’t decide whether to hug me or analyze me. So, basically, business as usual.

***

A session in the gym is my answer to all kinds of problems. Nan encouraged me to channel my energy into exercise and I guess it stuck. These days, doing my job means keeping in shape. Most nights a decent work out will knock me out faster than sleeping pills, well, assuming I’d take them. The neighbors gave me odd looks when I converted the entire basement of my condo, but it paid for itself faster than I thought it would. Cardio machines, heavy bag, weights, and room to practice in whatever discipline caught my fancy. As a bonus, I could even do most of my weapons drills at home. Less inconvenient questions from the authorities that way too. Everybody wins.

I worked up a sweat but my attention wandered. I never meant for the team to find out about any of the offers I got. It didn’t sit well with me that they knew, even if I had turned it down. Lately, they’d found out more than their share of what I would rather they didn’t know. That was the real problem. If anyone was going to know so much about me, I’d rather it was them. But I hadn’t exactly chosen the timing or the circumstances. 

The muted beep of the perimeter alarm warned that someone was on the property just before the doorbell pealed. Towel in hand, I ran up the stairs to open the door. Maybe I should have been surprised to see Nate on my porch, but I couldn’t manage it. I figured he’d want to talk to me alone sooner or later, and there was no way to guarantee privacy at his place. The team ignored pesky things like personal boundaries whenever it suited them.

“Come in.” I gestured him in as I said it, and closed the door behind him. Headed to the kitchen, I called back over my shoulder. “Kinda late for you, isn’t it?” A quick glance at the clock confirmed it was close to midnight. 

“I had some things to take care of, and I wanted to talk to you. I figured you would still be up,” Nate explained.

Part of me wanted to ask what was so important it couldn’t wait ‘til morning. The rest of me was too busy trying to at least look calm, because there were too many reasons this conversation could go really wrong.

To give myself a minute, I grabbed a bottle of water for me, and walked over to the liquor cabinet to pour him a drink.

“I’m good, actually.” 

That was a surprise. Nate didn’t usually turn down drinks, especially at the end of a long day. Still, I didn’t get this far in the world without a good poker face.

“What do you want?” I’ve never had patience for small talk.

“Well, I talked to Sophie,” he started.

I found myself disappointed it was an issue after all, even as I explained. “My relationship with Randall, if you want to call it that, has nothing to do with work.

“Stop talking,” Nate broke in. “I said, I talked to Sophie. As it happens, we weren’t talking about Randall. She mentioned that she saw the two of you, but believe it or not, the conversation that followed didn’t have anything to do with you.”

He paused to collect his thoughts, and then continued. “When Sophie and I landed in bed together, we made up our minds it was best for both of us – comfortable, fun.”

“Glad to hear it’s good, Nate. But, I really don’t want that picture in my head.”

Nate stepped closer and his hand was on my arm before I thought to object “Just listen, for a second. I’m trying to make a point here.” 

I raised an eyebrow and resisted the urge to tell him to get on with it. 

Eventually, he continued. “As I was saying, even though we didn’t exactly intend for what happened to happen, it was good. So imagine my surprise when Sophie came to me yesterday and told me that she’d been thinking and she’s decided we’re better off as friends. She had this whole explanation about how we both just got too comfortable chasing each other that we didn’t stop to think about the reality of the having.”

He stopped to take a breath, and I saw the pain bleed into his eyes. “It took me a bit, but I realized she was right, but not for the reason she thought. The kind of relationship she wants long term, she can’t have with someone with the dark places that I have, the lines I am okay with crossing.”

I should have been surprised. Nate’s not huge on self awareness. He’s not wrong, there’s darkness in him, and a ruthless streak to go with it, but I wouldn’t have thought he’d accepted that. “What kind of lines are we talking about?”

I thought he’d give me some bullshit about how he’ll do whatever it takes to keep us safe and get the job done and keep us all in one piece. But he didn’t. He stepped even further into my personal space and kissed me. And we’re not talking a mere brush of the lips either.

For a long, searingly hot moment, I let myself enjoy it. The man was as good at kissing as he was at every damn thing else. The kiss had a ball of lust curling in my stomach and I had to fight not to tangle a hand in his hair and draw him closer. Reality definitely surpassed any fantasy I’d ever had. 

Good sense eventually caught up with hormones, and I pulled away and stepped back, but tried not to show how reluctant I was to put space between us. One taste, just one, and all I wanted was more, preferably now, and with a lot less clothes. 

“This is not a good idea.” I sounded more confused than certain, but under the circumstances, I figured I was entitled. 

“Well, you see, the thing is, she also told me that she thought we would both be better off if we were honest about what we really wanted and why. When I told her I didn’t think I could have what I wanted, she reminded me that you were proof that sometimes people are more open to possibilities than you think. And I didn’t hear you say you weren’t interested.”

When someone tells you something like that, it’s probably bad manners to stare, but I couldn’t seem to help it. I pride myself on how fast I can think on my feet, but the ability deserted me as what he was saying sunk in.

“Look, if I read things wrong, then this will be the end of it. I’m a big boy, I can move past it.” Nate almost managed to look as calm as he sounded, but I noticed his hands shook.

“Hell no.” The words were out before I could stop them. “You’re not getting out of this that easy.” Slowly, I set the water bottle on the counter, and moved close enough to look into his eyes. Fear and a bit of confusion, but also a level of need that matched my own. I waited long enough he could have backed away if he wanted to. It gave me a chance to silence the part of me that tried to say all the usual things about how I couldn’t do this. Right then, it didn’t matter if it was a bad idea. 

When my lips met his the second time, the kiss was deeper, and wetter, and I gave into my impulse and nipped at his bottom lip a few times. He made a noise of approval that I liked, and pressed closer against me. 

No matter who I might share a bed with, I am not what you would call the tentative type. Still, I’d put Nate firmly in the don’t even look column for so long, I couldn’t quite believe it was real. I slid my hand to the back of his neck, and tried to find some semblance of self control. When you want so many things, it’s hard to pick just one. It should have been awkward, but it felt too good. He responded when I increased the pressure of my hand, and tucked himself even closer to me, while his hands ran up and down my back, and we fell into another kiss. This one was rougher, not with violence, but urgency, the kind that comes with wanting more, wanting to be close enough to crawl inside each other more than you want your next breath. 

With my other hand, I tracked upward until it rested over Nate’s heart, felt the rapid beat. He looked so calm and collected most of the time, it felt good to know he was hot and bothered, too. 

This time I didn’t step away, only broke the kiss so I could talk. There were so many things I wanted to ask. For a moment they all crowded me so much, my breath caught in my throat. But this was Nate. If I couldn’t trust him, then I couldn’t trust anyone. “What now?”

In answer he trailed hot, open mouthed kisses down my neck, as much to taste me as map the shape of it. “Believe it or not, Eliot, I didn’t have a plan when I came here. I just hoped you wouldn’t punch me when I said what I came to say. At this point, I want whatever you want to give me.” 

The tone was calm, but he braced for a possible rejection. The tension in the muscles beneath my hands was unmistakable. One heartbeat, then another, as I thought about what I wanted. I still couldn’t pick one thing; I wanted it all.

“Come upstairs?” I meant it as a statement, but it came out as a question.

Nate nodded, then smiled. “That’s what I was hoping you’d say.”

I led the way. When we got to my bedroom, I flipped on the light and watched him take in the plain, heavy oak dresser, the watercolor nature scene of the mountains on the wall, and finally the bed. It looked the same as usual, the dark stain on the oak of the frame and headboard contrasted with the quilt Nan pieced together for me a few years ago. 

At the sight of it, his gaze flicked back to me. The hunger in his eyes reminded me of a look I’d seen in the mirror a few times and a shiver trembled at the base of my spine. “Part of me thinks we should talk before we do anything else.”

“Is that really what you want to do right now?”

“No. It’s not.” He moved back over to me and stood so close I could feel his breath mingle with mine. “It’s not because all I can think about is how much I want to taste every inch of your skin.”

Always direct. I had to give him points for that. I took off my shirt. I could do direct, too. “Be my guest,” I answered, then pushed him backward until he fell to the bed, with me blanketed on top of him. In that position, it was impossible to miss how hard we both were, but I focused on kissing him, then rolled us until he was beside me, so I could reach for them hem of his shirt. “If I’m losing clothes, so are you.” I tugged it up and off, and I’m not sure which of us moaned first, once we were finally skin to skin. 

When I saw Nate’s chest, I realized I’d been guilty of some assumptions of my own. I’ve never seen him work out, but it was obvious he kept himself in shape. That was the last coherent thought I had for a while. Eventually, we ended up tangled together, stripped down to boxers. When it comes to kissing, I have some moves, I’ll admit. But, I still don’t come close to the level of intensity Nate brings to the activity. 

I pride myself on my own control, but it was a struggle not to give in to the need that clawed at me, to just take everything I wanted and then some. 

Nate startled me a moment later, when he pulled back to look at me, so solemn I worried he’d changed his mind.

“What?” I asked, and ignored the apprehension that roughened my voice.

“Relax. I’m not going anywhere.” He punctuated the statement with more deep, open mouthed kisses that eased my anxiety, likely because very little of my blood was still going to my brain. “You’re holding back.” Still and quiet, he waited to see what I would do with his statement.

“You know, it’s really annoying how you do that, see everything,” I retorted. “Besides, so are you.”

“Fair enough,” he answered, with a grin so wicked I would have been worried if it wasn’t so damn hot. 

“I’ll stop if you will.”

“Deal,” I muttered, just before I rolled so I was draped on top of him again, and took care of the last of our clothes. A slight reach and I pinned his hands above his head. Seconds later, I flashed a grin of my own, when he took the hint and grabbed the headboard. “Don’t let go until I tell you.”

The only response was a moan, but that was alright. I took my time, explored all the spots that captured my attention: each nipple, the curve of collar bone, the taught thigh muscles, and lower. 

I’ve always been good at tasks that require dexterity. Coordination is a strong suit of mine. Between that and how much I enjoy them, it’s no wonder I’m so good at blow jobs. It wasn’t until I took him in my mouth to demonstrate that Nate’s control slipped. Not much, mind you, he didn’t let go, only loosened his hold a bit. I grazed him with my teeth slightly as a warning and pulled back so I could speak.

“If you let go, I’ll stop.”

“You stop now, I may have to kill you,” Nate managed to gasp. 

I smirked and started again. Before long, I had him past the ability to speak beyond the occasional plea or profanity. I watched him lose control when I looked up occasionally, and listened to the needy little sounds he made has his head thrashed back and forth, and reveled in the satisfaction it gave me to know I was the cause.

Even lost in the smell of him, the taste of him, I could feel when he was close to the edge. For a moment, I almost stopped, the urge to be taken was stronger than I expected. But, there would be time for that. Deliberately, I increased my tempo, and added just enough pressure. When he tried to warn me and pull back, I made it clear that wasn’t what I wanted. A few heartbeats later he moaned my name, long and drawn out and I felt him tense as he came, and I swallowed eagerly. “You can let go now,” I told him, once I was reasonably sure he could hear me.

Gratified by the end result of my efforts, I laid back on the bed, propped on my side and waited while Nate caught his breath. Quicker than I would have thought possible, he released the headboard and shifted to pin me to the bed. “My turn.” He didn’t ask me to be still, which was a good thing. His exploration of my body was thorough, and what he could do with his tongue should probably come with a warning label. There were places I would be bruised, from bites and from where his fingers had clamped down. We were both slick with sweat, and I scraped my nails down his back to encourage him when he kissed his way up my chest. 

“Turnabout’s fair play,” Nate taunted.

“Fuck fair,” I managed to answer.

“I have a better idea,” came the reply. “I’d much rather you fuck me, instead.” 

There was no need to ask if he was sure. I’ve seen his poker face often enough to know it rivals mine. But his face wasn’t closed off now. His expression was completely open: need, desire, trust, and other things I wasn’t quite ready to put a name to were plain to see. Still, I paused. If we did this, there was no going back.

“It’s okay to take what you need. No holding back, remember,” 

There was no trace of hesitancy, or fear, though I got the impression he was outside his comfort zone too. “I don’t bottom very often. It’s a trust thing, I guess. But, this is what I want, too,” he assured me.

It took me a second to manage to nod. Then, I leaned down and kissed him, hard enough our teeth clacked together a little. 

He rolled over after he caught his breath and I reached for the bedside table to grab what we would need. Some things are better rough, but this isn't one of them. Besides, if you do it right, preparation just adds to the thrill. 

I wanted to draw it out, had every intention of it, but the sight of him stretched out beneath me while he writhed impatiently made that impossible. Still, I slid in as slow as I could, determined not to hurt him. 

He pushed back to meet me, and the pleasure of it overwhelmed me. I forgot finesse, forgot control, nearly forgot my own name, everything but the rush to possess, to lose myself in the tight heat, that was nearly too good to be real. I could feel the orgasm build throughout my whole body, a tingling ache that spiraled up and out, a pressure I strained under. When I let go, I felt him follow.

For long moments, our ragged breathing was the only sound, even as I moved to clean us up and deal with other necessities. Nate urged me to lay back down, and made a pleased sound when I ended up more on him than the mattress.

“I don’t know whether to say thank you or wow,” he murmured, so obviously pleased I had to laugh.

“Either one works,” I observed, then reached down to grab blankets to cover us with. This is usually the point where I start getting twitchy with the need for my space, but all I wanted was to sleep, in exactly this position. I just wasn’t quite sure how to ask for what I wanted.

“Relax, Eliot. I’m not going anywhere.” Nate’s arms went around me, and he shifted a bit until he was comfortable.

Okay, so maybe somebody who sees everything isn’t all bad, I decided, as I slid towards sleep. Tomorrow would be soon enough to deal with whatever came next.

***

We got up early the next morning. There was work to be done, and we both knew it. That didn’t mean we couldn’t take a long, hot shower together. It didn’t exactly save time, but that was alright.

The morning was easier than I expected. Coffee, clean clothes, perimeter check, all the usual things happened at the usual times. They were interrupted by the occasional kiss and a couple of quick grabs, but things still clicked along. We were dressed and in the car on the way to meet everyone back at his place before Nate brought up anything serious.

“I don’t want to keep it from them.” He looked at the road, but the intensity to his voice, and the death grip he had on the steering wheel let me know how important it was to him.

“I wouldn’t ask you to, man.” And it was true, I wouldn’t, because I didn’t want to, anymore than he did. Granted, there wasn’t a lot we could actually tell them yet. Just because I wanted things a certain way didn’t mean Nate wanted the same things.

“We really should decide what to tell them before we get there,” he began, as he threw a quick glance at me. “I know I said I didn’t have a plan, and I don’t. Hell, everyone knows I’m a bad bet, when it comes to relationships. But, I liked waking up with you this morning. And, I liked falling asleep with you even more. I was kinda hoping you might want to make that a long term thing.”

We were nearly there, so I waited until he parked. “I could be persuaded to do that,” I told him. Then I leaned across and kissed him. Our tongues tangled together, then I shifted to take control and claim his mouth properly. “Like I said before, you’re not getting out of this that easy.” 

When I moved to shift back, Nate grabbed my shirt to keep me in place and crushed his mouth to mine. 

“Good,” he muttered when we surfaced a few minutes later.

The applause jolted both us. On the sidewalk just down from the car stood Sophie, Parker, and Hardison. It was Sophie who started the applause, but they all joined in, and grinned like loons while they were at it.

I resisted the urge to drop my head in my hands. At least this meant we didn’t have to worry they wouldn’t react well. Life would certainly be interesting for a while, but I could live with that. I opened my door to get out, and grinned at Nate as he did the same thing. Before Parker could get started, Nate told everybody we would talk inside, and we all moved towards the doors of the bar. 

I followed behind and reminded myself to call Nan and thank her. Turns out she was right about things after all, lucky for me.

~~FIN~~


End file.
